We all know what people have to say about artists these days. We're lazy, irresponsible, selfish and self-indulgent. We chase pipe dreams and don't contribute to our communities. We're childish and immature and don't want to grow up. We represent the very worst of our generation.
That's a heavy burden to bear. However, it's nothing to a truly determined adult who wants to develop creatively not to get famous, not to acquire wealth, not to avoid working hard at a "real" job, but instead to heal herself and her world by tapping into her power. Meet ME. I'm a thirty-five (yes, thirty-five) -year-old woman living in New York City. After a childhood fraught with child abuse of all kinds, bullying, poverty, homelessness and a consistent lack of love, and an adulthood wracked by serious and persistent schizophrenia, chronic homelessness, chronic underemployment, isolation and poverty, I have decided that there is no force on heaven or earth that will succeed in diverting me from my path again. At thirty-five, I have discovered my power, and nothing will stand in my way.
Most of my adult life has been marked by failure. While I have always been hard-working and ambitious, driving myself to work part-time jobs and putting myself through school despite struggling alone with schizophrenia, until recently I was not able to manage the most important aspect of success - facing down my demons and, as Christians put it, shouldering my cross. Every human being fights the flesh in a different way and has feelings, thoughts, or urges that haunt them. Until I was thirty-four, I was unable to deal responsibly with mine. However, today I have faced what haunts me and can happily say that I'm on my path again.
So what does my future hold? In my opinion, the key to creating a satisfying life for myself is giving myself the space to truly become empowered - finding my own personal power and riding that steed into the sunset. Despite pressure put on me by others, I have resisted the urge to stuff myself into a full-time career right now. I feel that, energetically and personally, I am not yet ready to pursue that path. Instead, I am focusing on tapping into my power as a woman and as a person, learning to take up space, learning how to use my voice and my body.
I am an aspiring actor, singer and classical guitarist, among other pursuits, and, unlike many others, I am not seeking fame, fortune, or even conventional success as an artist. Instead, my art is a way for me to heal my body, mind and soul from the life that I have led, to prepare me for whichever vocational path I end up traveling. My goals are modest: to sing in a choir, to act in an off-off-Broadway play, to be a singer-songwriter playing small cafes. And yet my passion for the arts is so great. For me, the ultimate goal is the experience of creation, not the reward I might get for what I create. And so, even if I decide to work full-time as an event planner, art will always be there, feeding my soul, helping me grow.
This blog will follow me on my journey of self-fulfillment. As I pursue the path of an artist, join me as I stumble, fall, leap and soar. Laugh and cry with me as I discover my potential, connect with others on the path, and battle a society which insists that adults who pursue the arts instead of full-time work at McDonald's are worthless wastes of space. Instead of becoming physically, psychologically and spiritually sick by forcing myself into a McJob, I am choosing to heal my wounds so that I can build a better, more sustainable life for myself and my descendents.
I take responsibility for the mistakes I made in my 20's. But to those who insist that I don't have the right to claim a better life for myself now because of them, I offer an exuberant middle finger! I have the right to overcome schizophrenia. I have the right to heal my wounds. And I have the right to succeed!
